Meltdowns and Musings

Sunday, October 18, 2009

[This picture is unrelated to my post. I just love it. Thanks, Lena]

I had a little meltdown last night. It's weird how silly little things trigger huge meltdowns. I was going to bed, and was thinking about how I needed to go to the grocery store in the morning. I started crying. Why was I crying about the grocery store?! But of course it wasn't at all about the grocery store. It was that I felt overwhelmed about life. I feel overwhelmed that I don't have time for necessary things such as the grocery store. I felt overwhelmed that even going to the grocery store means that I will buy unhealthy food like pizza pockets because that's all the time I have to make dinner for Andrew and I. Then I felt overwhelmed that I'm not being a good wife, a good friend, a good daughter.... talk about a meltdown!

Graduate school is so hard that it makes me question whether or not this is the right path for me. I compare myself to others--others who have made their passion into a career, and have time to do things they enjoy. It's not my reality. I think my passion for speech pathology has just been overshadowed by the tremendous amount of effort required to reach that goal. Anything that's worth it, is worth working hard for though, right?

After my mind stopped racing, I fell asleep. I woke up this morning with a little more peace. Truth: My Savior has overcome the world. He has healed my mom, and offered me eternal life. Why do I let worry, fear, and exhaustion consume me? God promises to give rest to the weary (Mat 11:28). I am so thankful. SO thankful. I want my life to reflect that thankfulness. I was talking with some fellow grad. students about how much we have whined and complained this semester. When I stop and reflect, I cannot believe that those are the words that come out of my mouth the majority of the time. With the miracles I have seen in my mom the past few months, I should not be able to contain my joy and thankfulness. I should be pointing to Christ with my words.

I’m still feeling a little overwhelmed, but am confident. On the way to the grocery store, I had this song on repeat:

Send me a sign
A hint, O whisper
Fill me with life
'Cause I am listening

Come break the quiet
Breathe your awakening
Bring me the light
'Cause I am fading

Surround me with the rush of angels' wings

Shine Your light so I can see You
Pull me up, I need to be near You
Hold me, I need to feel loved
Can You overcome this heart that's overcome?

You sent a sign
The hint, O whisper
Human, divine
Everyone is listening

Death laid low
Quiet in the night is stirring

All around the rush of angels
O the wonder of the greatest love has come

Shine Your light so all can see it
Lifted up, 'cause the whole world needs it
Love has come, what joy to hear it
He has overcome, He has overcome

[David Crowder, SMS]

Today is a new day.


HeidiMcKnight said...

Hey beautiful! :) Do not fear...I think most people go through a point (if not MANY) in life where they feel insufficient, where there aren't enough hours in the day, and where even the smallest dreams seem an eternity away.

For a while I was working 70 + hours a week, attending school full time, head of the honors school of Psychology, teaching Sunday school, attending services on Monday and Sundays,my dad was fighting his cancer, and I was trying to maintain a relationship...I slept about 3 hours a night and still felt like I wasn't doing enough.

My biggest advice (unsolicited) is to fight through those rough patches because you CAN do it. Know that this isn't "forever" and if you don't WANT to do don't have to! :)

You don't HAVE to go to graduate school right now - if you really don't want to. If you want to, then believe in yourself enough to say, "This is a priority and when I meet this goal I'll set some new ones that will receive my attention". You don't have to make extravagant dinners just because Betty Crocker looks like the perfect wife. Maybe in a year or two you can make that a priority. :)

Write down your priorities on paper and make sure there is some "you" time in there too. For me...just 20 minutes with my Non-Fat Hot Chocolate With Whip can make the day seem just a little more manageable.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made (not copied...but made).... don't compare yourself to others! :) We're only called to obedience in Jesus not to the standards of others' lives.

danielleaxtell said...

Love you, Katie. Always here for you whatever you need. You are one incredible woman and you can do it!

Alex said...

It's going to be okay, Katie. Just focus on the task at hand and keep those blinders on. I think that's the only way Ryan survived grad school. I remember many nights where Ryan felt guilty because he wasn't being a great friend, awesome husband reliable son, dedicated servant to the church, etc. Your roles have changed, but you just need to remember that your friends, family and God support you and love you.

Please reach out for help too. If you guys are craving a yummy salad or grilled veggies, come on over and grab some dinner or i'm happy to drop food off to you.

I love you and I'm so glad that you're resting in God's hands to get through such a strenuous season of life.

Katie Sterbenz said...

Thanks, friends :)

Pepe said...

Katie. I am thankful for you. You are one of my favorite friends and people. I feel very blessed to have you and Andrew in my life. I wish we were neighbors. We could eat hot pockets together.

I like this video. It kind of is similar to what you are saying. Im sure you have seen it, but maybe not.

Katie Sterbenz said...

Joe, I actually hadn't seen that Nooma before. I liked it :) Thanks for sharing